Over the years I have studied countless articles explaining and outlining the toxic behavior patterns of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as Sociopathic and Psychopathic behavior. The list of maladies is as endless as the trauma it inflicts. I needed to know these things to enable me to have some sort of closure in my adult life.
I really wish the world and the people who live in it would come to understand how easily trauma can happen and have such negative outcomes for victims. The ripple effects of toxic behavior are not inconsequential or trivial. They are malignant and substantial and done with malice because of the need for power and control over an individual or society itself.
An abuser will tell you how much they love you, care for you, but it is in their actions where the truth lies. Think of how diabolical a toxic person is when they are name calling and slandering, when they are attention seeking for supply, when they are screaming and purging their pain and deficits onto you. Why do abusers feel the need to destroy others under the guise of “just kidding” or feeling that it is in your best interest, so you become a better stronger person?
I have been hypervigilant since childhood gauging my safety by my father’s shoe hitting the first step, coming from the basement. I can’t tell you of the innumerable times I held my breath, waiting for what would come next. It’s uncanny that I still gauge someone’s mood by the sound of their footsteps. Mom was less frightening as I got older, but the memories persisted.
How I wish that I was blessed with the wisdom way back then when I was limping through life, over the decades carrying trauma and living through life’s debacles. Insanity seemed to be a given and followed me throughout my life until I finally turned around to gaze at the destruction and eyed what trauma does to one’s spirit. I never had known why I could look deeply into another and see pain gurgling to the surface. Perhaps because I had eaten enough of it in my life that I understood it more than my own skin.
I finally did come to the realization that it wasn’t my insanity but the people who had filled my life. It was such a burdensome weight that I carried since I was a small tot. I always felt like a leper desperately trying to hide my disease from the world, and as the pain became recognizable, I would shove it down again to that deep abyss that “it” called home.
Trauma is a monster, and in a recent video address to the world while opening a safe haven for Sexual Abuse Survivors, Viola Davis states “You know memories demand attention because memories have teeth.”
Memories of trauma whether it be Attachment, Neglect, Parental Alienation, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Assault, witnessing a horrific event or War, does have teeth, and without treatment, it will eat you alive.
Only those people who can be introspective and have compassion and understanding for others, who have walked through the pain of it all can send a lifeline to others that are suffering. Pain does change us, it rips through generations just like it did my parents and was passed down to me. You learn what you live until you learn there is a different way, a better way.
I am so grateful for the many people who walked this path long before I did. Because of their diligent efforts, their articles filled with vulnerability and their loving support is what helped me the most on this journey called healing.