I have been a writer for most of my life. I have always enjoyed how stories and poetry could render me helplessly and hopelessly in love, bring me to laughter or of course hit something so deeply within my being I would be left dazed.
I love words as they express a part of me that I am unable to share any other way. It shows my imagination, strength and vulnerability. I also have a great deal of respect for those who share this integral part of themselves with others.
Now, envision losing that skill! Not only was I diagnosed with CPTSD/PTSD, I also suffer from Aphasia.
According to the Mayo Clinic, “Aphasia is a condition that robs you of the ability to communicate. It can affect your ability to speak, write and understand language, both verbal and written”. (Mayo Clinic)
Nowhere in the above literature does it mention CPTSD or PTSD. Matter of fact you won’t find it in much of information possibly connecting these disorders together. It is usually attributed to patients who have had strokes or head injuries. So why are people with CPTSD/PTSD suffering from the same malady? Perhaps CPTSD and PTSD are truly brain injuries after all!
When I was in the throes of emotional abuse, I had forgotten how to spell and speak the words what, who, how and others of a simplistic nature. I would pause as the words became caught in the abyss between my mind and my mouth. I was also having a difficult time articulating the words that I had used for most of my life. Sometimes during an anxiety attack I couldn’t speak and to others would look like a babbling idiot! Although these moments are few and far between just remembering the emotional helplessness was enough to keep me working on a solution.
Previously I had gone through the testing for Alzheimer’s and Dementia and passed those with flying colors. It’s hard to imagine all the emotional scaring left from my abuser, but it seemed this trauma had also robbed me of the one thing I needed most and that was my ability to connect to others.
Even now with the many articles I write I have difficulty finding words and my thoughts will leave me as quickly as I try to script them. I do word association and sometimes it may take up to 20 minutes to finally find what I want to convey. For me that’s a win!
Through all of this I haven’t given up! The many articles I wrote in the beginning of my recovery was to retrain my brain to remember. I may never be the writer I was but, I am the writer I am today!
Abuse changes us but I will no longer be its victim. With acceptance of the many things that seem so unacceptable we trudge on. Sometimes kicking and screaming but always advancing in ways we thought we never could.
For those who feel despair dealing with the many facets of CPTSD/PTSD I can tell you that I am regaining my footing. While I’m still muddling through, my symptoms are subsiding bit by bit. I do a lot of positive imagery and exposure therapy and I find these things are helpful for me. I am slowly putting the lid back on Pandora’s box and I hope you can too.